Still…I Protect
Lord, I am really just so sad that after all these years, I still want to protect him.
I want to share these things
but it feels like I can't
or shouldn't or…
something.
I still find myself walking on eggshells not wanting to upset him.
What if he reads that I said he was cold-hearted and callous?
Will it make him mad?
Why can't I go from eggshells
to "who the f*ck cares what he thinks?"
But still, I want to treat him with kindness
even though I didn't receive that from him.
And the fact that I want to protect him after how he treated me makes me angry…
and sad.
And I hate myself for it.
And, truthfully, I'm still mad at You about it.
But I'm grateful that You are a God who sees and who sits…
In the mess of it all.
I'm grateful that I can bring these things to You…
raw and uncertain…
and You love me anyway.
And I remember Jacob's words in his wrestling…
"I won't let You go until You bless me."
And now, Lord, after laying these words before You,
I literally feel the tension vanishing.
My heart feels freer.
My chest feels lighter.
My belly feels relaxed.
I was talking to a co-worker who referenced his divorce a few times.
I didn't acknowledge it when he was sitting there,
and I wondered if I should send him some type of encouragement.
These words came to mind…
"Divorce is hard —devastating—and I'm sorry you're going through it.
If it helps….and it probably doesn't right now…
there will be good that comes from it.
There is beauty after the ashes."
Part 1: Still…I Pray
