And I Am Not

When God Answers Back

I’ve been arrogant these last few years.

I didn’t see it at first.

I thought I was searching for answers—groping in the dark for some kind of light. But somewhere along the way, I started to presume I knew better than You.

I’ve chided You for the place I’m sitting in.

I’ve resented Your silence and the position You’ve put me in.

I’ve been bitter about my loneliness.
About the hurt the church has inflicted.

And then I read Job 38 and 39.

And I sat silently—stunned by the weight of the work You do all day, every day.

“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?”

If I’m honest… that felt like it was meant for me.

Because I do not understand these things.

I do not understand—nor could I ever comprehend—the bigger picture of what You are doing.

I did not lay the foundations of the earth
or determine its dimensions.

I do not provide food for the birds
or give strength to the horse
or command eagles to rise.

And yet—
You do all of these things.

You sustain the earth every single day.
You care for every living thing, great and small.

And still… I have sat in these ashes, seeing only myself.

I went outside and watched a bluebird.

You know when it was born.
You know where it rests.
You know when it lands on my fence.
You give it everything it needs.

And You do the same for me.

Forgive me, Father.

So I will pray.
I will ask.
I will knock.
I will keep crying out to You—
because that is the path of knowing You.

I do not understand what You are doing.

But I will trust You.

Because You are still good.
You are still faithful.
You are still God.

And I am not.