When Your Body Catches Up To Your Heart

Yesterday was a hard day.  

I was trying to focus on this one single thing at the office that I needed to get done.  I got to work at 6:15 AM and left at 5 PM.  I finally did that one thing from 3 PM - 5 PM.  

It wasn’t that I couldn’t focus.  
I just had to focus on the 423 other items that also needed attention...
and the 24 people who also needed something. 

I have to find a way to not put myself last - but also without overcorrecting.

I got teary with a colleague earlier in the day. 
She is avoiding the process of grief. 
I get it. 

But then I got teary...maybe because of mom; 
Maybe because I heard my stepdad was having a hard time adjusting to his new normal. 
Maybe because I feel the weight of work on me - even though I enjoy it.  

But I finally lost it last night on the couch watching a video of this lady acting like she was having a conversation with the person on the other end of the screen.  

“Sit down.  Eat you somethin,’” she said in a sweet Southern drawl as she placed a bowl of popcorn on the table between us.

“...not everyone is going to hurt you like that.”  

And my body let go.  

You see, the past called last week.  
Or rather, sent a text.  
Because, let’s be honest, even the past doesn’t call anymore. 

It was....

Unsettling.
Infuriating. 
Surprising. 
Maddening.
Sad. 

I had no idea how to respond. 

I’m not the same person I was twenty months ago, when I kissed it goodbye.   

For days, I’ve been exhausted.
Grumpy.  
Numb. 

Until that line, “...not everyone is going to hurt you like that.” 

The sobs shook me. 
They took my breath and turned it into sounds of anguish. 

A shuddered inhale. 
Followed by an exhale of groans that words cannot express. 

And my body did this over and over, 
Until grief had its way, 
And the tears did their work.  

It’s OK to call it a day when your body catches up with your heart. 
It’s OK to fill a tub with the hottest water you can stand and let the water soak out the frustration while the tears seep out.

Yesterday felt like too much.
But grief had its say.
The tears did their work.
And we’ll get back up and try again tomorrow.