Hiding (like an Easter Egg)

It’s Easter and I almost didn’t go to church today.

But an urge overcame me to get dressed and go.
So I went.

I sat on the back row.
The people on the row talked to me, which was very sweet—and only proves the friendliness of Mississippians.

“You’re hiding, Nikol.”
I heard in my heart.

I know.
I want to hide until I’m ready.

Ready for what?
I’m not really sure.

Ready to engage with people again?
Ready to trust the church one more time?
Ready to surrender to the call to be there?
Ready to give part of who I am to a community?

It feels like there is so little left of me
that I don’t know who I am.
Or who I want to be.

I’m used to having everything figured out.
Used to having it “all together.”

Some people will still think that of me—
and it’s that pressure to perform that makes me recoil.

It eats my energy.
It sucks me dry.

But maybe this time…
maybe I can just show up.

Maybe I can take up space
without feeling like I’m not worthy of it.
or that it has to be earned somehow.

Maybe I can just exist.
And let You do the rest.